Depressed TwentySomething

Hey All. I'm trying to write something down at least once a day on here.

It's always good to keep track of your life in writing. It helps your self understand who you are. Writing about my recent crisis has helped me understand who I am and what I don't need. I know I'm an emotional person but I haven't had the right people around me. I've now trimmed down my list of friends and I am actually happier which is good.

The only thing is now I want to be properlly happy... but where do I start? I always felt more comfortable in a relationship but before I get into another I feel I need to really find out who I am. What do I like to do, who do I like to hang out with etc. Everything that I haven't had basically from being in a relationship. I want to know have any of you been in a long term relationship from a young age and if so, when or if you split up, how did you find yourself? Because a lot of bumf builds up from the couple era of your life that is not necessarily you.

I think thats all for today.

See ya later

Hey all.

I thought I'd talk about something other than my crappy existance today and voice my opinion on the American Presidential Elections.

Now so far there have been 3 presidential debates and a vice-presidential debate. All of these have been very informative on the type of people they are.

As it stands at the moment Barack Obama with his choice of Joe Biden are currently leading the polls, some say as much as 13 points. Which in my opinion, being an outsider, is a good thing. Even though Barack Obama has what you might say is a lack of experience, his capability to control his emotion is commendable. Which is partially what is needed from an american president. Just take a look at the last debate between Senator Obama and Senator McCain in New York. McCain, at points, looked angry and agitated, almost like he was going to fly off the handle. Whereas Obama was calm and collected and rebuffed anythings McCain said with ease.

Now put yourself in this position. Russia have continued there show of force around it's borders and America needs to respond to help allies in the area. Would you want someone who easily gets angered (and lets face it, getting angry can't be that good for the 72 year old McCain) or someone who is calm and collected? Do you want to bomb the bastards, or be tactile and work it out as peacefully as possible, even if it means the milatery being involved. Because I genuinely believe McCain would get more people killed.

Another point is the economy. McCain says Obama taxing the top 5% of earners in America more is a bad thing and that 95% of the population would get taxed less is a bad thing! He says it would be bad for the economy. McCain believes taxing oil and gas companies less is good for the economy, which is surely just playing into the hands of one Mr George W. Bush! At the end of the day more money in the pockets of 95% of the population is better than more money in the hands of 5% of the population. It means more money spent on the high streets. More consumer goods are bought. Basically supporting the economy from it's foundation..... the american people. If you/they don't spend...... the governments f*cked. As some jumped up latino boy in starbucks at LAX once said to me (I could of punched him by the way), you gotta pay uncle sams tax, if no one buys anything, no tax, no money.

But anyway, all I hope is that the people of the good ol' US of A (by the way we still own you MWAHAHAHAHAHA..... hehe) have seen sense. The republicans in general have gone too "dumb" for my liking. It's all well and good trying to associate with "Joe Plummer" and "Hockey Mums", but you need more than soundbites and a VP who is a pitbull with lipstick on (lets face it, I would rather go for a real pitbull with lipstick on)! You now need to think who can lead America "The Land of the (god I hate this saying) Free", into a new era of responsibility and not be a real gun wielding western!

Hope this all makes sense, can't be bothered proof reading.

See ya later

Well, yesterday was fun!

After my last post notifying ya'll of my ex calling me, she tried calling me again. Obviously I ditched the call. Didn't want to speak to her for obvious reasons. Then she started to text me! Big mistake on her part. I got a lot off my chest and I doubt that she will ever call. You never know how mean one can be until someone drives you to it!

But regardless of this fact I am in a better mood about the situation today. I can finally say "I used to love her" instead of "I still love her" which is quite a relief.

But guess what, life is never that easy. Now I'm getting shit from my job. I'll be honest I hate my job, I need to do something I want to do, which was metion 2 posts ago.... Uni. But obviously Ubi starts in September.... I have a year to wait. I'm in a pickle, do I quit now and get used to being poor... or do I stick with a job that makes me miserable for the money?

I think I'll have my answer shortly, I just hope it's the right decision!

See ya later

I know I wrote a post earlier but now I need to write again.

I was just in the middle of eating my lunch, I was actually enjoying it. Then my ex rang me to ask for my help!!! I immediately lost my appetite and now I feel sick to my stomach.

I don't really know what to do and even though all she wants is to know where she's lived for the past 3 years, I don't want to even do that!!!

She's a bitch and I hate her.

I'm off to puke...........

I bet people are getting sick of my depressed moaning. But I'm not that bothered. It helps haha.

Today I feel a bit better I think. Still not really talking to anyone. One word answers are good for me. Deleted all photos of my ex last night of my mobile and computers. Burnt any others which was strangely satisfying! Tonight I plan to get rid of everything else in my house of her. Like her Betty Boop figure in the draw to all the condoms we bought under the bed.....

It's hard to believe I am where I am today. I'm in a bit of a spin from thinking about the last six years. It's hard to think of the good points. In the six years with her I gained 6 stone (in american it's a lot fatty), I've been on anti depressants, had panic attacks (which have returned), got quite heavily in debt and not gone to uni. I always wanted to go to uni but instead I worked so me and my ex could be together.

What a mistake that was.

Don't get me wrong I do have a good job that pays well. Not exactly what I wanted to do but it pays the bills. But I'm now thinking "It's never too late". I always wanted to teach, teaching is a really rewarding career, as long as you don't get made to cry.... like I once did in middle school. But anyway I'm thinking of doing a history degree then doing a pgce to become a fully fledged teacher. It's a grand Idea but I'll be 29 before I get there!

All I know is I have to look at the positives of my current life and get back to me. Or at least figure out me. I have a picture of myself from before she made me fat (haha) to encourage me to lose the weight. I've already lost 1.5stone but I still have my double chin, nasty gut, stratch marks and fat thighs!!! But I'll do it... for me.

New Motto "No one can be trusted.......until proven otherwise"

See ya

I had the worst weekend ever.

I found out my ex, who I still love, was cheating on me whilst we were together and she is with the bloke now. Well actually they had an arguement and she's now homeless. The dirty whore.

It made me feel absolutely shit. I've been drunk since I found out and I am still drunk. Last night all I did was cry and stare at a knife.

I don't know why though, this woman made my life hell. I went from a confident slim young man to a fat wimp who sort of resembles the male species. 6 fucking years I wasted with this bitch! I wasted all my time helping her to get to where she is today! I didn't do anything I wanted to do in the meantime. I missed out on friends, I missed out on Uni. I missed out on my entire fucking life!

The only thing that brings a smile on my face, is when I look after my friends son. His innocence is all thats good. I just hope he doesn't turn out as bitter as me!

The problem I have now is what the fuck do I do. If I'm not depressed about "it" I'm fucking thinking about the quickest way to kill myself with a knife or even a gun, as I know I can get my hands on one. I have even had my stomach pump through a cocaine and vodka binge.... although no one I know, know's this.

All I want is to be happy again.

It was my birthday on monday, one year older or one year closer to death. But maybe it was almost closer than I thought!!!

I went out on sunday for my birthday. Me and a group of friends made the trip to Leeds to go Go Karting. It was fantastic, if a little dangerous on my part (sorry to everyone I smacked into). I even finished the race in first place, lapping my closest rival twice and getting the fastest lap time! I was really chuffed.

Afterwards we decided to make our way back to the pub, which is ran by my friends aunt and uncle. My mates girlfriend was driving and not more than 2 minutes away from the pub we had an accident.

We were going 50mph in a 30mph zone, not good to start with. Going round the corner we hit a curb and the left hand side of the car was in the air. The car slid to the other side of the road and we were heading toward the traffic island. Luckily my mates girlfriend managed to drift round it somehow, missing by inches. The car ended up gently backing onto someones drive!!!

Everyone was fine, but 5 seconds after my boss pulled up and said "Hi". Very surreal!After this we brought my birthday celebration to an end, because spending an hour with police tends to dampen ones spirits!

The next day I went round to my friends, the girl I metioned in my last blog, the day before her holiday I mentioned. I spent all day with her. Helping her shop, even dying her hair! I'm too nice to her. What a way to spend my birthday!!!

To top of this abysmal birthday..... the ex called to say happy birthday. This has left me in a bad way, thinking of her. For the past couple of days now I've been having panic attacks with bad chest pain.

Again......... I need to start over.

Thanks,

Depressed-Twentysomething

When a relationship ends for whatever reason, most people have a feeling of emptiness inside, that they're lost. At the moment I'm at that point and I'm wondering when it's going to end.

I was in a relationship for just over 6 years with a girl I knew from school. When we got together she was 15 and I was 17. By the time I was twenty we were living together, admittidley not in the nicest area, but together. Over the next few years I worked hard and had to push her harder. Two years later we'd managed to move into Saltaire, which is a tourist area which loads of people want to live.

It was all going well, we thought we'd be together forever...........then we booked our wedding! ha! What a mistake that was! Everything went wrong very quickly and within 3 months we were history.

It's now 5 months later. I don't miss her but I miss the company. I started hanging out with another girl, whom my ex was good mates with, shortly after. She has a small kid whose awesome and a fella whose a total w*nker! The problem is we are "friends" and that's all we were meant to be. The thing is we spend more time together than she does with her fella. I don't know wether it's the amount of time we're together or my genuine feelings, but I think I have fallen for her. Sorry, I know I have.

So now all I can think "Is this really starting again?" "Where can I go with this?"

At the moment she is on holiday in Malta with her family (not including the fella, he's not welcome by her family) and I am genuinly missing her..... but I think it's time to do something, change something. Maybe move to another city, go travelling, turn gay! Anything to mix it up.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks

Depressed-Twentysomething